My Words are Thus...

A Chronicle of Experience Begins

Sun, 02 Jan 2011 00:31:46 -0500

So much has happened in my life in the past month or so. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on the 3rd, Alice Loreea McNay. She weighed in at 7lbs 15 oz, and 21 inches long, she had a head full of hair and lungs like her mamas. She also had a few little surprises for us that turned my whole world upside down (again, because she did that when she was born). We stayed in Blessing Hospital from Friday until Sunday, and had a follow up appointment with her pediatrician on Tuesday because she was a little jaundice. Tuesday rolls around and we go, have the blood drawn, and when the results come back we get a call, they want to take an ultrasound of her liver and do some more blood tests. So we had the ultrasound on Tuesday evening and the blood work done first thing Wednesday morning. Three hours later, we got another call, we needed to go to St. Louis Children’s Hospital to see a specialist. As you can imagine, I as a new mom, am so scared that I can barely think.

We spent the first week at St. Louis Children’s meeting what seemed like hundreds of doctors (it was actually around 20 all told) and watching as they poked, drew blood, spinal fluid, took mris and ultrasounds to find out what was wrong with our little girl. Finally, we got an answer, she had two blood infections, one Group B Strep she got during birth and the other CMV she contracted in the womb. We spent the next 14 days dealing with IV problems and picc lines while she received her treatment before we were discharged on the 23rd of December, two days before Christmas and she was only 20 days old. Let me tell you, that feels like years when you are in the hospital with your child.

We’ve been home for just over a week now. After several delays we got her medications at the pharmacy and she is doing fine. :) We got to spend Christmas at home with our little angel :) That’s the silver lining. We have a long road ahead of us, but it is a road with hope. I can’t begin to tell you how lucky we were that our doctor ordered the tests she did and caught the things she caught. It has had a profound effect on me.

The rest of my life will never be the same as it was, and every precious minute is one I will cherish even as the ones the drive me to the limit of my patience and knowledge.

She is worth it all:

zombify: what a lol ! theinevitablezombieapocalypse: The...

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 22:22:18 -0500

zombify:

what a lol !

theinevitablezombieapocalypse:

The Walking Dead Cat

Lola

Things I Used to Say

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 16:54:35 -0500

I used to say I wanted fame

But then I lost my privacy

I used to say I wanted love

Until it ripped a hole in me

I used to say I had no fears

And now I’m so afraid

I used to say I wanted success

Then I learned the price I’d have to pay

I used to say it would all get better

But that was just a lie

I used to say I’m doing great

Now it’s just I’m fine

I used to say I wanted adventure

These days I keep it to myself

I used to say what was on my mind

Lately I leave my thoughts on the shelf

I used to believe in that fairy tale

Now, I don’t know what to think

I used to have high expectations

As of today, I don’t expect anything

thedailywhat: Google Doodle of the Day: Google’s latest doodle...

Mon, 08 Nov 2010 06:04:58 -0500

thedailywhat:

Google Doodle of the Day: Google’s latest doodle marks the 115th anniversary of Wilhelm Conrad Roentgen’s discovery of X-rays — a form of electromagnetic radiation that allowed man to peer into himself for the first time to see that hamster he stuffed up his bum thinking God knows what.

[google.]

I always want something above where the bar is set...

Sun, 07 Nov 2010 01:14:16 -0400

and I’m always disappointed. This results in making other people feel bad. You’d think I would know better by now.

Living through giving up

Wed, 27 Oct 2010 13:58:30 -0400

It’s a strange feeling. To keep going in a situation where basically all hope has been stolen from me. Sheer will and determination to make it work are the only things I have to hold on to. How do you keep moving, keep going, keep smiling. To keep working for the dream goal, when I don’t even want to be touched?

ecmooremusic: (I tried to put this on your page but I don’t...

Wed, 13 Oct 2010 00:46:38 -0400

ecmooremusic:

(I tried to put this on your page but I don’t think you have your ask box or reply activated? I couldnt figure either one out…)

I totally did NOT mean to offend anyone when I said overweight. And saying “overweight” was being polite, honestly. The girls I was referring to are at least close to 300 pounds and I’m NOT just saying that to make you feel better. I literally was shocked at the amount of larger people in my class. I feel like anything I say on this subject is just going to dig the hole deeper, but please don’t think that I am some snooty bitch who thinks less of anyone who is not 110 and fit as a fiddle. I am really unhealthy, though I may not look it (internal health problems) but weight has never been an issue for me. I take for granted what I have and just don’t understand how someone could let themself get to 300 pounds (or larger in some cases). I really didn’t mean to offend or start a fight or anything like that.

And I still think that ANYONE can be beautiful. Even if they’re a thousand pounds. (Is that even possible?) Sometimes I say shit that I shouldn’t say. It’s a blog. I tend to not filter. I’m sorry :(

You know me well enough to know that I’m not that shallow, I hope!

I shouldn’t post offensive stuff like that, it’s true. But Tumblr is like my diary, as bad as that sounds, and I post what I’m thinking, jsut like everyone else does. I should have thought about how someone else would feel reading it.

Again, I didn’t mean to offend you or anyone. I hope you know that.

**sticking sock in mouth now…**

I feel embarrassed.

So. I read your blog and I just have to say that there was NOTHING offensive about the way you worded anything. Some people are just hyper sensitive and that should not sensor you. It’s not like you went on and on about fat rolls or compared them to whales. I myself am overweight, but definitely not fat (even when I am not pregnant). I hate it when you let other people dictate how you are allowed to express yourself. Seriously, it makes me angry that one persons snide (and much ruder) comment can make you embarrassed for speaking the truth in your mind.

I’m fighting the urge to hit my knees and beg you to let me be the person you come home to. It...

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 14:57:43 -0400

I’m fighting the urge to hit my knees and beg you to let me be the person you come home to. It kills me that you don’t want me there, that you don’t miss me the way I miss you. I look around at all the empty space and wish for your presence to fill it. But you don’t want to. I know that, because if you really wanted to. You would.

thedailywhat: Cute Animals Being Cute of the Day: In a Lion...

Fri, 17 Sep 2010 19:10:18 -0400

thedailywhat:

Cute Animals Being Cute of the Day: In a Lion King-esque display of affection, Bob the Meerkat snuggles up to Zinzi the Lioness at the home of Predator World safari owner Marcel Tournier.

[telegraph.]

emilywelch: Weird.. I thought this was Jon Foreman for a...

Mon, 13 Sep 2010 19:24:54 -0400

emilywelch:

Weird.. I thought this was Jon Foreman for a minute.. They could definitely be related..

seriously, look at this picture..

treetopdreams:

Sons of Anarchy Wallpaper

Having my own SOA marathon at work. Have I mentioned that this man is unbelievably sexy?

Emily, I had NO idea you liked SOA. I LOVE THAT SHOW!

and Charlie Hunnam, is not gay. Baseless rumor. He is also very sexy in Green Street Hooligans, if you haven’t seen it, you should.

retrogasm: At least he is showing you he has a brain…

Sun, 12 Sep 2010 01:16:49 -0400

retrogasm:

At least he is showing you he has a brain…

Prince Poppycock ok, I may be a bit behind, but I just...

Wed, 08 Sep 2010 22:04:50 -0400

Prince Poppycock

ok, I may be a bit behind, but I just discovered him, and LOVE him. :)

thedailywhat: Follow Up of the Day: Good news: The...

Sun, 05 Sep 2010 13:46:01 -0400

thedailywhat:

Follow Up of the Day: Good news: The puppy-tossing teenager whose abhorrent antics were captured on film and uploaded to the Internet has been backtraced by Bosnian authorities. Better News: Five of the six puppies thrown into the Vrbas river were rescued by Grandma Rose Pavlović and are now up for adoption.

[thanks lowrider!]

thedailywhat: Cry of the Day: 35-year-old Sydneysider Kristian...

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 21:44:27 -0400

thedailywhat:

Cry of the Day: 35-year-old Sydneysider Kristian Anderson was recently diagnosed with cancer and is currently undergoing chemotherapy. Despite his illness, he wanted to express his gratitude for all the support he’s received from his wife Rachel, so he made her this special birthday video, complete with cameos by New Zealand Prime Minister John Key and actor Hugh Jackman.

Better get the plumber on the phone, because you’re about to break a water main.

[news.com.au]

Yeah. I love MAC products and Disney Villains! This. Is....

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 22:49:05 -0400

Yeah. I love MAC products and Disney Villains! This. Is. Amazing. Want it. No. Need it. Yeah.

thedailywhat:

Mad Make Up Kits of the Day: MAC and Disney collaborate on the “Venomous Villains Collection” — make up sets inspired by four familiar Disney villains: Cruella De Vil, the Evil Queen, Maleficent, and Dr. Facilier.

From the press release:

Who’s the fairest one of all? Four separate mini-collections, in haute animated couture. The incomparable Cruella De Vil and Snow White’s Evil Queen are dazzlingly devilish; Sleeping Beauty’s Maleficent and The Princess and the Frog’s DR. FACILIER, both up to no good on their own. Uniquely designed iconic packaging you will kill for, cunning characters and bedeviled beauties that are so alluring, you can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be one!

The launch date is currently set for September 30th. A complete breakdown of each kit can be found here.

[buzzfeed.]

thedailywhat: Adrenaline Rush of the Day: Crocosaurus Cove park...

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 12:36:48 -0400

thedailywhat:

Adrenaline Rush of the Day: Crocosaurus Cove park — aptly located in Darwin, Australia — has begun offering adventurous visitors a chance to “swim” with saltwater crocodiles inside a five-inch thick, 10ft-tall perspex box which runs along a monorail track across four crocodile enclosures.

From the Daily Mail:

Sallie Gregory, spokeswoman for the park, said: ‘Many people find the opportunity of getting to within a few inches from the jaws of these crocodiles exhilarating.’

‘People often get activity ranging from an aggressive attack to a casual eye-balling and swim past where the crocs are so close that they rub against the cage.’

‘Most of the women who take part say they are happy just to watch the crocodiles while guys tend to want the action and attack.’ […]

‘The top of the cage has two grated doors to stop anything entering the cage and a back up motor and separate chain operates to ensure that in the event of a malfunction, the cage can continue to operate.’

And it just so happens that one of the Crocosaurus Cove crocs is somewhat of a celebrity: He nearly ate Linda Koslowski’s character in the first Crocodile Dundee movie.

[dailymail.]

I would LOVE to do this

Swiss Cheese.

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 12:17:33 -0400

I’m thinking about relationships this morning. Talked to a good friend about her relationship and how it is going so well (very happy for her), saw the wedding pictures of someone I used to adore and his new stunningly happy bride who is an acquaintance. I couldn’t get over how forced his smile looked to me, and it made me wonder about my own relationship.

I spent the weekend in Chicago. Mostly by myself, and while I missed my boyfriend. I enjoyed being far enough away that I didn’t feel pressured to see him. I wonder why I feel so much pressure to see him and be with him all the time? I love him. More than I ever thought I could love a man. But, we aren’t a picture perfect couple. Not by a long shot. We are expecting a baby in December, and we argue all the time. We have our good days, but I find myself thinking that our good days are kind of a lie, that they are just the days that neither of us can handle a fight.

You know what my biggest fear is? Being afraid. And I’ve been afraid, for months. So afraid that I am going to lose him. I have overwhelming need to know what he is doing, to be near him. I have that because I need to be in control of things. Especially when I am frightened.

I think we moved too fast. He tried to tell me it was too fast, but I have never had much of a respect for that kind of thinking. My parents weren’t together very long before they were married. They just knew. Looking back on my child hood, I realize that they fought a lot more than I ever heard. They just didn’t do it around my brother and me very often. But the fighting didn’t make them unhappy, or less in love. It was just part of them.

I like swiss cheese. It is full of holes. I accept swiss cheese, just as it is. So why can’t I do that with my relationship. My relationship that, like swiss cheese, is full of holes but still delicious. Maybe I can.

This is not a good time to be taking a step away. No time is really, not with a child in the mix. But it’s better now, before the baby arrives than after she gets here.

S-O-L-O in Chicago: An adventure

Sat, 28 Aug 2010 02:09:18 -0400

So, I am finally settled into my awesome hotel room :) It has been a long day, and interesting.

The train arrived 15 minutes early, which was fine with me because it was HOT. Macomb stop is where things got fun, everyone was bombarded with college age seat mates that either flirted with married men, thought they had the best taste in alcohol because they drank absolute, or had less brains that it took to figure out that shutter island was predictable and inception was brilliant. (urg)

After arriving at Union Station ten minutes early (yay!) I got directions to the Blue Line L Train to O’Hare. The attendant forgot to tell me to take a third left turn and a result I missed the station. So, a mile and a half, an almost hysterical phone call, and good directions (finally!) from a foreign dude at a doughnut shop, I found the blue line. After waiting about 20 minutes, the train arrived and it was 15 till 11. Great. The shuttle from O’Hare to my hotel stops running at 11 and there are 18 stops between here and there. Eff. So I call my new boss, he gives me the number to the hotel, and I call them, they are incredibly nice and tell me to call them when I get there and they will send me a taxi. On the L, there was this little girl who was being tickled and she screamed for most of the 45 minute ride, and I mean screamed like she was having her first orgasm. People were craning to see. Some of these people were sporting the strangest shoes I’ve ever seen, they may have been socks. But either way, it made them look like they had plastic mannequin feet goin on under their sandals. Seriously, it’s creepy to see a black guy with white plastic feet.

It’s now 11:20, and I have arrived at O’Hare. After calling the hotel they tell me to look for a white taxi with a rose on the door. Ten minutes later, one shows up, but it’s not for me, it’s for a couple that are indeed going to the same hotel as I am. But I still had to wait another ten minutes for my taxi. When it got there, the driver was great and the concierge was waiting for me. He knew my name, took my bags to my room for me and helped me arranged a taxi for the morning. Nice. All I had to say on the phone is my name and “I’m with Combined” and I get a business suite, a free taxi, and a bell hop. I could get used to this kind of treatment.

Of course it was midnight when I got here, an hour and a half later than estimated. And I have to be up in 5 and half hours. But, those are the knocks, right?

There have been serious tears

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 12:57:03 -0400

for the past twelve hours or so. I hope they stop now.

Nervewracking

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 22:43:54 -0400

I’m writing a book. It’s a project I’ve wanted to do for a long time, about the bad guys in fairy tales. I have a dark mind, it’s scary to start showing that stuff to people. I have a prologue and three chapters done, if you want to, you can read it here”: http://www.webook.com/project/The-Conclave

Chapter three is definitely rated R, consider that my warning.